i just made my gag reflex go away.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
