Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
