She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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