He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
