If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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