I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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