No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
