How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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