she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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