What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
