i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
