girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
