I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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