there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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