can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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