im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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