Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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