I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Congratulations! We have a period
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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