you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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