He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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