You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
