Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
