On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
