Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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