Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
