My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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