I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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