I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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