I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
