Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
