the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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