shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
3pm strippers are depressing
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
