i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
