Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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