I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
