we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
