my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
