im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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