Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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