Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
