saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
