Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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