I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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