ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
