Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
People in love make me want to vomit
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
a search helicopter?!
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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