She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
