This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Randomize
