Fuck appropriateness.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
