I want to stick my p in your. b.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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