OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
