i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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